I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
