im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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