well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
