my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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