Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
