Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
