im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
