I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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