it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
