I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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