Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
