thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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