he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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