I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
