is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
