i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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