You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
