I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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