his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
