I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
