you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
