I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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