Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
