All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
