just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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