So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
