My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
