i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Betty ford says i'm here all night
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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