The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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