hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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