I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
