You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
