Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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