Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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