# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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