Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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