he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
3 2 1 whiskey
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
