he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
