Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
