seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
