No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
