I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
