He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
