you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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