I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
