he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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