Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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