new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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