don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize