I accidentally burped into my bong.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
