Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
