Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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