Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
