just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
